Overlooking abuse is not polite. It actually empowers and enrages Abusers who attention seek constantly for their own personal gain and delight.
By most contemporary psychological definitions, the verb “ABUSE” means to treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. It can also mean cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal during a single incident or solitary situational abuse situation. Overlooking abuse, then, as a verb related to the psychological response-based act of intentionally (or by willful acts of negligence) failing to see or validate a circumstance, act, event, or issues.
When an abusive person abuses, they do several things emotionally and intellectually within their own psychology. First, they derive pleasure from acting egocentrically or sadistically (depending on the person). Second, they get a power rush from being able to affect change (for the worse) in other people’s thought processes about either themselves or their emotions. Lastly, they are able to feel incredibly empowered by receiving attention. Taken as a process with multiple benefits for the aggressor only, the cost of their expressed actions [or negligent inactions] on a victim can be incredibly traumatizing for both the abuse target directly as well as any and all collateral damage victims.
Here’s the deal.
If you are wondering why people choose to abuse, if they have full blown Cluster B personality types they simply don’t process things like emotions the same way as normal, fully functional, or psychologically healthy people do. It’s as silly to take their malicious deeds personally as being angry at them for being tall or having brown eyes — if their brains are simply not fully formed or wired right, they are going to view every social engagement as a competition.
Collaboration is never in their mind’s eye.
Win-win situations are ALWAYS seen as an affront to Cluster B personality types. That’s why when a person strives to de-escalate a contentious situation or interpersonal issue with a toxic peer group, it’s the abuse victim who the narcissistic and shallow thinking predator will absolutely be infuriated by…
Seeking ATTENTION from a victim, the Abuser will deliberately do things like situationally abuse in private then lie. When they do it, the victim is traumatized not only by the original abuse but is completely socially, emotionally, and mentally TORTURED by their Abuser’s callous disregard for the abused and their life.
You see, when an Abuser treats a victim like trash it has a psychological impact. It lets the abuse victim know in no uncertain terms that the person abusing them has no respect for them as a person — or for their fundamental civil or human rights.
Following up by doing things like denying having abused, lying to cover their tracks, victim shaming, blame shifting, avoiding taking personal responsibility for their actions or ill-timed deeds, gaslighting, and smear campaigning against their “accuser” in order to punish them for telling on the Abuser, the Cluster B person derives a sense of personal satisfaction, inflated self-esteem, and pride.
Bottom line, if you are being abused and are a loving person, you are EXPECTED to take such treatment lying down without saying hey, neigh, or BOO. Keeping an Abuser’s secrets for them while sitting back and taking humiliation and degradation on the chin is what most abusive personality types expect their closest friends, lovers, and family members to do on their behalf FOR LIFE.
That means when they abuse, they get off. Then, when they lie, they delight. If they get the pleasure of further traumatizing a person or people they have already caused tremendous pain (emotional, physical, social, financial, or otherwise), it’s a huge victory for them in their own mind.
The thing abusive people miss is life is not a game. Humans thrive when they are collaborating — not COMPETING.
Because a narcissistic person is compulsively egocentric, lacks the ability to neurologically process complex thoughts or emotions like empathy at all or with a sense of productivity, and they constantly view themselves from a grandiose perspective, when someone refuses to engage in a battle of dim wits with them, they feel gypped.
If you don’t have anything nice to say and have gone GRAY ROCK about their abusive, stereotypical, Cluster B symptomatic behaviors and elect to go NO CONTACT, nothing tends to make them ANGRIER.
But don’t let their desire for you to react to their baiting or provocative remarks cause you to feel compelled to engage in STONEWALLING. If a person has not been given a chance to understand someone else’s subjective feelings on ANY issue (no matter how big or small) and shows no interest, that’s on them.
If you have self-advocated by setting clear and healthy boundaries, asked not to be abuse, and respectfully requested to be shown at the very least civil respect and someone refuses, understand that there’s a point when THEIR subjective opinion or needs cease to matter (both morally and logically).
People who lie, for instance, while self-promoting… or those who deliberately obfuscate truths in an attempt to steer other people to make their own misled,errant conclusions… don’t deserve respect. Their subjective opinions simply cease to matter the first time they choose to lie or mislead another party or peer group about the truth.
Liars hoovering seek attention for personal gain. Typically, they manufacture chaos intentionally then sit back and play the victim card, conning all their friends and family into thinking they are the victimized person who deserves to be fawned over and paid tribute to in the form of unearned sympathy.
When they pretend to be victimized, not only do they lie to, con, and manipulate people known to them, they get THOSE people (folks known in self-help social circles as “Flying Monkeys”) to abuse by proxy for them. As the targeted victim reels from abuse, they are comprehensively traumatized spiritually and socially by those who aim to skew the truth.
What’s more, by attacking a victim and blame shifting or denying reality, the victim is deliberately made to understand that not only did the Abuser abuse them in a first act, they knew it was abusive, took pleasure in doing it, lied about having done it not because they failed to understand they were acting abusing but because they knew full well they are or were guilty, and… AND… it’s clear what their REAL feelings are about or for the person they continue to on a daily basis abuse.
The only time abuse issues heal for a victim who seeks validation from an Abuser is when and if the Abuser makes a full, public confession. By owning responsibility for their actions, striving to apologize in public as well as private, and changing their DAILY behavior moving forward, people who have abused can actually strive to med relationships.
But that’s never a goal for Cluster B people. That’s why they are so unlikely to do it, accept responsibility for their own behavior and honestly, respectfully, and in a meaningful way offer a public apology and social support for a person who was deliberately or inadvertently traumatized by their behavior.
The Cluster B social predator or social predators’ mentality is based solely on their desire to win at the expense of someone else. Namely, a scapegoat target or completely traumatized and rendered powerless, totally victimized and psychologically invalidated LOSER.
If that “loser” elects to be kind, show them mercy by NOT allowing them to continue to abuse, and strives to be the bigger person, the Abuser tends to feel they themselves have been invalidated.
“What, you mean to say you are failing to react to provocations? You refuse to add insult to injury? You won’t pay attention to me when I say jump? But you were SUPPOSED to grovel at my feet, cower, and beg for the privilege of allowing the almighty and powerful OZ to keep using and abusing you as a dedicated Narcissistic Supply source — dutiful to ME in each and EVERY possible way! After all, your life does not matter. Only MY needs and personal success matter. You are dirt. Scum. Worthless. Unworthy. And certainly your personal needs and subjective opinions are nothing that deserve to be validated as meaningful or right to show consideration for in ANY way.”
Such is the social stance of the Cluster B person. Whether they have NPD, ASPD, HPD, or BPD, all of them tend to respond to being observed rather than reacted to at THEIR demand in much the same way(s): by acting angry, rude, self-entitled, and behaving in ways that are nothing more than socially insulting.
[Abusers show no respect for people they con into believing their pervasive gaslighting.]
If a person compulsively seeks to invalidate your fundamental human rights, treats you poorly, then blames or insults you for striving to be nice or minimize, understand they have an incredibly socially and emotionally dangerous personality type. Be the BETTER person — literally and metaphorically speaking.
People with Cluster B personality disorders tend to have a thinning in the area of the brain where complex emotions are processed. That means when they say something like, “I love you” it tends to be a manipulative phrase designed to control. They simply cannot conceptualize when someone says it back to them that there does not have to be an agenda in place to manipulate, control, con, or “play” anybody.
If they get pissed because you go NO CONTACT after begging for validation and respect for years while willingly suffering their abuses, who cares? Honestly speaking, even God is unlikely to pay mind to people who lie and offer disingenuous, attention-seeking prayers.
So stop thinking that by overlooking abuse you are somehow doing the right thing socially, morally, or in an attempt to decrease the frequency of a person abusing. Standing up for what’s right might be hard, but tell the truth about your experiences in life and share your subjective opinion even if your voice shakes.
By living your truth without needing to seek validation from the people or peer group who traumatized, psychologically wounded, or physically abused you, victims can learn not only how to survive but also are able to thrive. There are no living abuse survivors.
That includes people who spend the entirety of their lives keeping toxic people’s secrets. By acting like the Walking Wounded (people who have been bitten by Zombies who then strive to hide wounds while waiting to die), victims of comprehensive scapegoating empower Abusers who know full well the damaging effect they have on abused parties lives.
Break the silence. Stop keeping Abuser’s secrets.
Toxic shame is inculcated in victim psychology typically from the earliest ages of human life. Don’t let ENABLERS who taught you to feel shame at the idea of not protecting or enabling abuse guide how you feel about yourself or influence ANY choices you make in life.
Be the bigger person. Set healthy boundaries, express them clearly, and learn how to disengage socially and emotionally from people who only care about their own best interest in life.
Taking care of yourself and your own personal or self-esteem needs does not make you an Abuser. Being abusive does.
Let them bluster and BS all they want. If you set clear and healthy boundaries and were not respected, there is no amount of hoovering, bullying, or social shaming they can do to ever make an abuse SURVIVOR allow brainwashing or enmeshment tactics to make them feel bad about themselves, to go back to an abuser, or every to change their opinion about “right”.
Truth is fact; there are always subjective perspectives, but is not a valid perspective or opinion about what’s true when and if a person LIES. To that end, no matter how much attention or “respect” a Cluster B predator demands to be shown, understand what they are really seeking — ultimately — is to feel more powerful than they actually are as well as desiring to be in control.
When a victim or witness chooses to overlook abuse in order to be nice, they empower Abusers and tend to infuriate them at the same time. It’s a vicious NO WIN dilemma created for abuse victims expected to pledge allegiance to enabling toxic thinkers at the expense of EVERYONE who perpetually strives to act morally and socially with regard for the collective and common good.