This letter is likely to be blunt and not what you might expect or prefer to emotionally hear. That is why we are sharing it — to help people in crisis learn how to cope, de-stress, and manage their own recovery in such a way that keeps everyone safe while decreasing fear.
One of the most common inquiries we have is for support groups in people’s home areas. We seldom (if ever) suggest that people with C-PTSD seek to join any form of peer support group or religious organization other than someplace like Unity Church for a serious, mob and cult avoiding reason.
We highly advise avoiding group counseling sessions until you self-educate about Narcissistic Abuse and people with Cluster B personality disorders, as advice most people and therapists who are not trained to deal with advocating for victims tend to give victim shaming advice likely to endanger your psychology further.
Bad advice puts victim lives in danger. People in heavy crisis tend to give a mixed bag of abuse recovery advice in the heat of any moment.
Going to a group session in person or hanging out in threads with a great deal of chat rather than simple shares of information that helps can really be a moving, life altering experience. But… it can also cause a bit of shell shock, heighten fear, and create a vibe of anxiety hyped by a mob of people not always using the same words to describe their understanding of what is or is not in psychology terms going on.
Plus, it’s likely to be traumatizing to hear other people’s stories before actually having a grasp on your own. Finding out that you fell for a gaslighting person’s Love Fraud Con is a bit easier to do from the comfort of your own home. Unless you really like crying hard in front of strangers while scream gasping out expletives while dripping snot from your nose.
If you are seeking counsel, we suggest you bookmark then routinely visit flyingmonkeysdenied.com and read up on appropriate topics related to abuse and recovery BEFORE you seek therapy and counseling from ANYBODY. Look on the front page of our website for a list of book links to recommended VETTED Narcissistic Abuse Recovery counselors with first hand life experience with Cluster B love interests and or family members.
Get familiar with key terms related to the following psychological phenomenon and terms:
- Cluster B
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- COVERT Narcissism (formerly referred to as Passive-Aggression)
- Anti-Social Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Abuse
- Emotional Abuse
- Physical Abuse
- Psychological Abuse
- Verbal Abuse
- Flying Monkeys and Enabling
- Abuse by Proxy
- Reverse Projection
- Cognitive Dissonance
- Stockholm Syndrome
- Smear Campaigning
- Poisoning the Well
- Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
- Love Fraud
- Abuse –> Hoovering –> Trauma Bonding –> Honeymooning during the cycle of Abuse
- Love bombing –> Devaluation –> Discard
- Obsessed Ex Syndrome
- Stalking, Harassment, and Credible Threat
- Narcissistic Supply Source
- Stonewalling v. No Contact
- Gray Rock
- Stockholm Syndrome v. Dependent Personality Disorder
- Mind Control Tactics
- Collapsed Narcissism
- Malignant Narcissist
- Dark Triad
Then, once you have done all the academic research looking up terms related to Narcissistic Abuse and Cluster B people, click the YouTube channel link found on the upper right-hand corner of Flying Monkeys Denied.
- We have hundreds of videos with qualified people discussing issues you would more than likely hear brought up in a group. We advise EVERYONE to start by watching the second video on the list of clips from Spartan Life Coach Richard Grannon, then to watch as many segments from Self Care Haven, Queen Beeing (Angie Atkinson), and Kris Godinez from A-Ha Counseling that you find pertinent to your personal topic or situation of relevance.
- We keep a HELP FOR MEN section there, as well as a HELP FOR WOMEN. There is also a section related to coping with C-PTSD as well as tons of links with helpful information for people who are dealing with TOXIC FAMILY situations.
- We greatly advise NEVER talking with folks about this who have not been personally targeted or who have not had experience dealing with Cluster B people targeting or scapegoating them directly, as they are simply going to think you are crazy. Or lying. Or worse. You are NOT. But people who have never heard about such crazy-sounding things are likely to believe the Abuse Enabler rumor that a rightly upset and morally outraged victim is overly emotional and somehow adversarial.
Get your footing first understanding what actually has happened to you, academically speaking as well as from a clinical perspective, BEFORE you start seeking knowledge or involvement of random unvetted and possibly well-meaning but truly ‘harmful word choice’ using people.
Then, and only then, should any person whose trust in humanity has been shaken to its core strive to narrow (rather than expand) your support circle.
Working with a qualified therapist or life coach who has DIRECT PERSONAL EXPERIENCE being targeted for persistent social abuse by a romantic partner, co-worker, schoolmate, or family member(s) is super easy in the 21st century thanks to telephones and video chat service technology.
Now… with that said — there is serious merit in joining CLOSED FORUM GROUPS and connecting with Narcissistic Abuse victims around the globe. But we say so with a how to do it safely and effectively codicil expressed herein.
When and if you join a group — read to find PATTERN VALIDATION first.
Talking with people in closed forums online can be a help only — and we do mean ONLY — if the people you are taking advice from are SURVIVORS who understand C-PTSD and how to actually survive being targeted.
Those who are confused about Cluster B neurology are likely to say things like the people are evil, the devil, or to call them monsters, when all they are doing is reflecting their own short-sighted thinking and uneducated perspective.
People with vertical thinking styles tend to be socially competitive, always seeing a need to create a winner and a loser.
Those who are on the extreme end of that spectrum are the Cluster B people, typically willing to do or say anything to self-promote their own desires, personal agendas, and interest while seeking to punish or harm targeted victims.
Those folks tend to show up at group support sessions, hoping to have support to engage in making ad hominem attacks against their abusers while socially hoping to incite MOBBING.
They are actually showing clear red flag signs of COVERT NARCISSISTS with weak personality disorders. The problem is, they are great at psychologically manipulating people to hate, fear, and they do the OPPOSITE of helping true victims heal.
As such, we advise EVERYONE who is coming out of an abusive relationship to watch as many of the (again) Spartan Life Coach videos, followed by the addition of Self Care Haven videos, and subsequently any or all vetted Youtube channel videos we have linked to BEFORE ever considering approaching a group type environment for doing personal, self-help abuse recovery style research.
If someone advises you the wrong way, you are likely to accidentally heighten the abuse that is likely post-relationship to be coming your way while thinking you are taking a step in a positive direction to do something like self-advocate. Learning how to go GRAY ROCK is the first step — learning how to observe and analyze before reacting.
Then, choosing to END ENMESHMENT before you engage. Going head to head in legal battles and gossiping about a person who is Cluster B tends to be the advice given by toxic thinkers to people who have been abused — not for the reason most victims see.
People who are SADISTIC VOYEURS and addicted to adrenaline love to do and say things to keep themselves and others enmeshed in toxic cycles. If they can engage in stirring the pot so they can spectate to alleviate their own boredom or to feel powerful, many Covert Narcissists will do just that after joining groups then leaving horrible victim endangering advice for the purpose of attention-seeking while trolling the forums.
This is not to say that every group is bad to join. It is not to say that every person who writes on a forum cannot be trusted or that they are harboring some secret anti-victim agenda.
We are saying this…
Abusers and Abuse Enablers thrive due to gaslighting, promoting toxic shame in victims, and by giving their preferred scapegoat targets intentionally bad and covertly malevolent advice.
People coming OUT of abusive relationships have typically been brutally psychologically and emotionally tortured. Give support, share articles and memes, and try not to abuser-bash because doing so keeps you in the mindset of a Collapsed Victim.
[Think Collapsed Narcissist being bested by someone with Anti-social Personality Disorder to the ears of an already recovered or trained forensic psychology wellness check style generic and or non-partial study observer.]
If your psychology is fragile because you believed something an Abuser or Abuse Enable told you as an adult or conditioned you to believe as a child was true, that makes YOU a mark for literally any and every social predator who can see, hear, smell, or notice you.
If your circle of trust includes toxic thinkers, they will do things to ensure the cycle of abuse continues — with YOU trapped as the hamster doing all the personal legwork powering the spin of the wheel.
Take a deep breath. Disengage the adrenals.
Read up on Narcissistic Abuse.
Then, consider following advice of people who have successfully ENDED relationships with Cluster B people or who are successfully dealing with still being stalked, hunted, or targeted by deplorable people.
If you put your faith in seeking advice from folks who have a commitment to remaining on the wheel, then chances are they are going to be able to do and say things to manipulate you psychologically for their direct pleasure or benefit — NOT YOURS.
Avoid people who suggest being litigious is the answer. Definitely avoid speaking with or listening to ANYONE who strives to imply that Cluster B people are crazy or supernatural.
Even reading that nonsense can damage a person psychologically in ways that may take a lifetime of unnecessary psychological gyration to heal.
Stick with advice from people who are THRIVING — while reading personal narratives in such a way that you, as a reader engaged in solving a mystery, would look for clues about your OWN abuser and their pattern behavior.
Leaving SUPPORTIVE columns validating a speaker without asking them a bunch of needless, inflammatory or emotionally provocative questions is crucial. If someone shares their story and you can name the term for the narcissistic abuse tactic — tell them they are not alone and validate by naming the pattern!
Have an in-law or toxic who strives to manufacture triangulation in the form of promoting sibling rivalry?
Dating some joker who could not say enough nice things to or about you in earshot during the first 6 months of the relationship, then you found yourself being constantly ridiculed and treated like garbage?
Feeling like you were just run over by a truck after a romantic relationship tryst or after meeting a person who you thought was a charismatic and trustworthy friend, only to find out they were spreading lies and rumors behind your back while breaking confidences? Read up about Love Fraud.
Parents or grandparents just frigging awful? Read up about TOXIC PARENTS.
Children or stepchildren taking after YOUR abuser(s)? Check out articles about Parent Abuse.
Sexually assaulted by a person you know or the victim of a violent crime in a domestic violence situation? Learn all you can about how to recover from trauma.
Bottom line, whatever your personal abuse story details, the advice about how to heal from narcissistic abuse is NEVER — we repeat NEVER — going to include one of our staff members telling you that you need “time to heal” without being willing to educate yourself or that your key focus in life should be to emotionally desensitize yourself in such a way that you are encouraged to tolerate abuse or forgive your Abuser.
There is nothing wrong with being morally outraged at the outrageous. A person who is NOT offended at the thought of social abuse or neglect is likely themselves to have been emotionally or psychologically traumatized at some point during their youth and to suffer from narcissistic or egocentric personality disorder issues.
Break the silence about domestic violence in a pro-social way — by avoiding social involvement with any peer or person who is flaming mad, who is retaliatory or punitive, and or who strives to keep your mind and heart abuse-engaged.
It takes an average of 18-24 months of being in NO CONTACT status with all abusive people and toxic thinkers for the adrenal system to reset.
If you have spent a lifetime striving to understand why people abuse and why they target you, trying a new approach to healing and protecting yourself from developing stress-related, life-threatening illness development is crucial.
You are NEVER alone with 24-hour support from the internet. You have videos to listen to galore — all queued up and ready, lovingly bookmarked on FMD for easy access to watch, re-watch, and to help keep you psychological and emotional peer-supported company.
Seeking validation from your Abuser or their Enablers (willing or inadvertent) is NEVER advised unless you want the cycle of abuse to continue.
If you want to heal, focus. Mindful self-reflection and learning how to observe and make mental note before responding to a social predator or reacting to bait or provocation is truly the method by which every abuse victim who not only survives but thrives uses.
Think of limiting social contact with random people for a while, at least until you have put in at least 40 or more hours of reading self-help literature about Narcissistic Abuse and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery videos to help you learn how to spot the red flags and warning signs of narcissistic or sociopathic people who are seeking new narcissistic supply sources for their own personal benefit, self-aggrandizement, or entertainment.
In all reality, avoid joining cults or any group that promotes pack behavior if you seek to avoid becoming a new Narcissistic peer or socially predatory group’s likely psychic vampire food.
For this and a million more clinical reasons, we suggest limiting exposure to any person or peer group with is likely to undermine your progress or hurt rather than help the process of grieving and detaching every abuse victim must inevitably go through (at their own pace and learning style) when and if they, as victims, are ready to learn how to both stop being victimized as well as how to self-advocate in a healthful manner that ultimately truly lets them heal.
Thank you for listening… and for reading.
Narcissistic Abuse recovery IS possible for any person or peer group who is willing to do the task of self-reflecting followed by learning how to successfully self-advocate.
Keep the faith and educate.
What you get from self-educating about all this horrible feeling junk is a ball of yarn with knots undone. It is up to you to decide once the mystery of WHAT actually happened has been unraveled to decide how you choose to successfully re-knit the pieces of your life back together without being forced to ever re-knit the same stitch, pattern, or ugly Christmas sweater.
The Staff and Writers of Flying Monkeys Denied dot com — a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery website