When is loving a person with BPD caustic? Here are a few insights to help understand it…
BPD forms around 18 months when a toddler-aged child is improperly taught social skills. Those who are encouraged to self-reflect and to care about how their behavior impacts others become kind adults while those groomed to believe selfishness and might makes right behavior tend to become low EQ, socially caustic individuals who rely on Enablers to do medical and social forms of harm to the people in their lives who are the most likely to overlook, to hide for them, and or to indulge their most toxic private behaviors.
Whenever that person is actively lashing out against others in order to feel in control of their life or when they are mindfully refusing to actively participate in a behavior management program they agreed upon to allow their housemates to lead a more fulfilling life they are behaving in socially caustic ways. ID the behavior, notice any pattern; time it occurs, what provokes their behavior slide, and how your personal response to their emotional issues does or does not benefit you, them, or your personal medical life.
Understanding the example of a child throwing a temper tantrum at the grocery line with their parent is crucial to medically and mechanically conceptualize the gist of BPD formation. If the child screams or hits and is rewarded with control of the room’s attention — especially if given the reward item they demand in such a menacing fashion — the NLP forms that defaults to acting like an angry or grossly self-aggrandizing brute whenever that person feels powerless or like their whims for things like a comfort item or emotionally destructive hedonism inspired material demand is not met.
Hearing their behavior choices are rooted in such simplistic and primal underparenting caused emotions has a tendency to make unhealed BPD addled folks get violent, verbally sinister, or they misbehave. Nothing makes one of them angrier that letting them know they are simply emulating a toddler who needs a parent to parent them appropriately while teaching them the skill sets necessary to self-soothe when fears related to control of their personal lives or immediate social and physical environment perk.
People with BPD who exhibit a propensity to menace or to do things like STONEWALL and withhold healthy communication when they default to core nature under periods of stress are commonly referred to as socially and emotionally problematic adults.
While they can be wonderful and doting and over the top charming their loved ones and strangers with equally Machiavellian skill sets like Love Bombers, these oftentimes clueless and occasionally well-meaning types tend to self indulge in emotional hedonism without self-reflection about what their behavior will cause in the personal and professional lives of the people who they tend to emotionally neglect or to mistreat.
Knowing a person with Borderline Personality Disorder tendencies — whether their diagnosis is full-blown or not — can help their loved ones and housemates prepare for any social neglect, passive antagonism, or aggressive bursts of anger and threatening, mean spirited blurts that tend to be ejected from the face of whoever struggles with the nurtured disorder and blurts. Expect the person to be attention and control seeking during any period when their loved one’s attention is focused on something or someone OTHER THAN THEM.
Attention demands by a BPD person are commonly not only poorly timed but often designed to sabotage their captive person’s attempt to do things like have a job or to create functional and healthy relationship outcomes. Their concern with abandonment issues most BPD will rage loudly they don’t have when they actually do tends to be the mysterious trigger even most people forced to live walking on eggshells around an abuser tends to present often as the event in the person neurochemically responsible for provoking their habit to indulge poor self-behavior.
When a person with BPD is in charge of a family or the breadwinner in a relationship, they tend to become more maniacal and controlling. They will claim they are not and that they want their spouse or child to have social success outside the home or with other people… but when the time for their loved one to make progress with such a goal or aim, the BPD person is likely to manufacture so much chaos and to pull metaphoric emotional security rugs out from under the feet of any person who they fear will outshine them or leave.
Family members and pets of BPD individuals are left at the mercy of the person who places their personal whim above health or any form of pro-social striving to create or to maintain a healthy relationship. The habit their exhibit of alternating being hyper controlling with rude and sullen truly juvenile behavior is maddening for the people who are aware of the person’s core nature condition who by freewill choice elects to strive to socially harm, neglect or to disadvantage other persons.
The good part about BPD is because the condition is rooted in the self-indulgence of nurtured habit, anyone who developed the condition has the personal ability to reeducate their own NLP and to avoid backsliding into toxic, sneaky, or menacing behaviors. The best part is knowing that with the social support of an educated team and proverbial village such people have access to a community with resources to cope and improve their behavior daily.
The hard part for people who love or care for such individuals is knowing that while we are alone the person abusing is likely to pretend they are medically incapable of avoiding exhibiting temper tantrums that are purely transactional in nature. The most difficult part is while everyone is forced to bend to appease the social violence-prone person 365 – 24/7…
And the team of friends not directly exposed constantly to the person and their family rallies…
That same person’s most intimate life partner or caretakers are oftentimes left with their personal life and health needs deprioritized or ignored and completely invalidated unless they themselves become the ONLY person they know willing to advocate for their needs to be met whatsoever.
Red Flags matter. Avoid overlooking them. A BPD person taking social advantage of a mate or of a support network is likely to behave poorly in private towards their preferred scapegoat and will then minimalize the impact of whatever they did, did not do, or said that caused their support person to experience medical as well as typically social and or eventually financial duress.
[Therapy and poor health due to emotional exposure to trauma has a fiscal price related to access to doctors, missed work, and time lost to processing Shinola caused by and for the toxic benefit of a juvenile, selfish, and typically withholding of social affection and proper civic attention obsessed person.]
Moreover, a person who plays games blurting terrible things then pretends that words did not matter or that the victim either misinterpreted, is too sensitive, or has no sense of humor — especially during times they are prone to secretly engaging in high-risk behavior — can do terrible lifelong damage to their target or collateral victim’s DNA without meaning to leave a trauma dent in a permanent way. And words — like a fist — can truly cause trauma.
If an individual has the presence of mind to lie to or about their personal choice of behavior or to disadvantage their target, understand their pathology will default to that same type of behavior if and when the person is medically compromised, under stress, or deep in a “BEHAVIOR”. Examples include but are not limited to the following common issues related to living with a BPD teen or behavior escalated adult:
- BPD claiming they were not threatening or violent when they were
- The Abuser pretending the person who was harmed is the person doing the harming
- The person provoking the conflict using Machiavellian tactics on a target feigning ignorance and innocence to an authority figure in order to deny the victim of their temper tantrum social support, relief, or any form of healthy or healthful social support from outside the family unit or justice-seeking relief and recompense
A common example of nurtured BPD being used as a tactic — like a transactional tool used to deceive or to bully intimately weaponized — includes lying, withholding pertinent data, making choices for other people about what is and is not pertinent data (editing the story that they tell to a target in order to advantage themselves while disadvantaging and potentially causing direct and deliberate or indirect harm to the conversational target they mislead), gaslighting [pretending reality is not real and presenting an alternative narrative comprised of deliberate and Machiavellian lies and misrepresentation of fact], making credible threats to do harm or to withhold things like social or financial support from others, threatening to use might to silence a target or to use brute physical force to avoid having or continuing a reality revealing conversation, threatening to do harm to self or to neglect to punish a speaker they don’t choose to treat or to respect as if that person is human with a right to be heard, et cetera.
Men groomed to use violence and threats to harm to control women and children or caregivers in their life are those most likely to gaslight or to leap to violence like a toddler if and when their core inner child believes their malfeasant behavior is transactionally convenient.
However, SOME individuals with BPD and a high enough compensatory intellect they can admit their transgressions and strive to make amends if their IQ and a desire to develop EQ is present.
Understand this, however —
It does not make them trustworthy (having expressed a desire to be better or more empathic and involved with striving to emulate actual pro-social humans). But their condition as “Chaos Manufacturing Individuals” is predictable enough that anyone who seeks to continue a relationship with one can make personal life and strategy management changes that can allow the relationship to continue while minimizing the impact of stress on all parties and individuals.
The key to loving a person with Borderline Personality Disorder related issues is realizing that if they were over the age of four if and when they came to you that the problem was caused directly by their earliest childhood experiences and how they were parented.
If their family is toxic or riddled with issues related to things like addictions, alcoholism, adults prone to underparenting, and siblings also have similar or worse comorbid affectations, understanding caustic behavior being the problem person’s go-to blurt with an emphasis on their personal gluttony or selfish indulgence of emotional hedonism is likely to be common for them to blurt out or to engage in until such a time the person chooses to grow up.
If the child in question is one that you made with a co-parent, realize the oops. Really examining how you were personally parented and owning if you ever over-flattered, underparented to make up for things like family trauma exposure caused by something like a divorce, or in your own personal reaction to unresolved childhood trauma can help steer you on a path to the light of understanding how and why the affectation in the child in part caused by your personal choices and responses came out.
AL-ANON is a resource that can give the family of BPD people support for the impact of the problem person’s behavior without needing to continue to go on at any form or length to the person who is causing the harm about why their posturing in anti-social manners cause harm.
Randi Kreger (https://www.facebook.com/StopWalkingOnEggshells/) is another Narcissistic Abuse Recovery resource for folks interested in reading more about BPD, while AJ Mahari (https://ajmahari.ca/) is a trusted person to listen to on youtube when a voice of reason and analytical experienced skill is necessary to seek out to listen to for support.