According to obsessive-ex.com, “In revenge cases, the Obsessive Ex wants the leaving partner to be punished or tormented. The Obsessor believes that the leaving partner deserves to be punished or harmed for perceived ‘wrongs’. They don’t love the ex-partner anymore; the obsession has only to do with trying to wreak continuing damage to the ex-partner’s life. They will even pursue avenues of revenge that harm their own children.”
Take a seat, settle in under your favorite comfy blanket with a hot cup of tea by your side to sip, and get ready to read, reflect, learn, and listen. If you have been targeted for social destruction by an obsessed stalker, understand you are in social, moral, physical, and spiritual danger. It matters not whether the person is or was a love interest or is a family member.
Victims targeted by an ex with a revenge obsession are typically trapped in an endless nightmare of a high conflict divorce situation. Despite making every attempt to have as little as humanly possible to do with an ex in the hopes they will get on with their own lives and find happiness elsewhere, the targeted ex is persistently hunted.
Truly, the revenge-obsessed ex will recruit new romantic interests. Every disgruntled or rejected suitor who they know failed to create and maintain a happy, healthy friendship, business partnership, or romantic relationship will be hunted down and grilled for personal information about you. Every single person they can find to help them create drama and make pain for their ex will be used as a punishment tactic — more so if the only thing they are guilty of doing is trying to escape.
For an obsessed ex or jealous new partner of an obsessed ex, mobbing tactics of Narcissistic Abuse are typically employed.
Tactics include smear campaigning, gaslighting friends and family into believing the aggressor is actually the victim, telling tales about mental instability of the targeted ex in order to ensure if they ever decide to talk and report abuse [to family, friends, or the authorities] that the well has already been poisoned, and WORSE. They go out of their way to convince anyone who will listen to them that their preferred scapegoat target is delusional, malevolent, insanely jealous of them, and out to socially harm or destroy them, too.
Showing zero respect for the people in their own lives by lying and maliciously defaming their ex (making up stories, spinning revisionist history tales, and flat-lying about anything and everything they can daydream up to frustrate, hurt, confuse and embarrass a target), the more extreme their personality disorder, the longer such games will appeal to them to play.
A target need do nothing but breathe to cause narcissistic injury. The stress on targeted victims is overwhelming.
For instance, one woman we interviewed in the past was stalked and hunted pervasively by the paternal grandparents of her child. Their goal was to win or take custody of their grandchild by any means. The woman eventually became so overwhelmed with C-PTSD, she “gave up” — signing away her custody rights.
The grief she endured after that — being tortured by cyberbullying, phone calls at all hours, having people show up constantly to make threats to her if and when she started getting her life together and could have provided a great home for the child, having people call her friends, family, and employers to badmouth her while poisoning the well and smear campaigning in an effort to undermine her social credibility and cap her potential financially; and being followed (sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks) by obvious and menacing private investigators… the grief she endured was (in her own words) “completely debilitating…” and [she sobbed heavily and finally got the word out], “overwhelming.”
Finally — as a direct result of the stress and Adrenal Fatigue (from being forced to live for nearly three decades as a victim), her body gave out. The woman died of cancer, leaving several other children without their mother and all the kids (including the child the grandparents stole using Machiavellian trickery) permanently victimized by the birth father’s family’s “entitlement issue inspired” treachery.
What would cause the grandparents in such a case to continue to target the victim for abuse despite the very real fact they already had custody of the “property” they sought to own — namely, the specific Golden Child grandchild they sought to keep for themselves, noting there were other children present in the mother’s home, but that they chose to pick one child the same way a family chooses a puppy from a litter of multiples? The answer is so simple and unemotionally charged, most people cannot functionally wrap their minds around the concept.
The reason why people with a Revenge Obsession continue to stalk, hunt, and terrorize victims in the discard pile long after the “war” is over is because — bottom line — if they truly have a Cluster B personality, it’s in their nature. Immutable, they cannot apply the proper situational ethics to understand that in order for humans to have long-term success as individuals or as an evolutionary group, one cannot rise to a water level that is true based on competitive ethical values.
“80%-ers”(humans whose personality types fall into mid or moderate range categories) tend to approach life collaboratively rather than competitively. In a narcissistic family unit, the rules for life and “survival” are different.
In a narcy house, it’s a bit like living in a bouncy castle. Solid ground does not exist for any member except the most Alpha member of the pack. Noting that average humans thrive when the team plays like ants, the “Brat Pack” competes both among themselves (constantly scratching, clawing, and backbiting while jockeying for a more dominant position within the toxic family unit itself).
Aggressing other perceived rivals in the community is the toxic family’s specialty, however. What glues them together is working together like a pack of hyenas to take down prey. It allows them to continually create trauma bonds, ensuring that the pack thrives at the expense of anyone else who gets in their way.
Targets need not be aware they are in a competition with anyone to be attacked with brute force or to find themselves targeted for the crassest, ugly, mean-spirited, dirty, underhanded smear campaigns. Whether attacking a person for what they physically look like (with regard to race, height, national origin, skin color, looks, weight, for being from a different religious background, for being from a different socioeconomic status, whatever) or going after them for not paying enough attention when they demand, narcissistic predators with anti-social ethics do tremendous harm socially to all society even when they target one for social and emotional annihilation (as in the case of the woman whose mind, body, and spirit were so broken she finally died from a stress-related illness).
Targets only need to do two things to infuriate a Revenge Obsession “stalker”, narcissistic peer group, or toxic family mobbing.
Keep the faith and educate. The life you save may be your own someday.
Learn to spot the red flags and warning signs of extreme narcissistic abuse happening in your own life as well as get to know the symptoms of C-PTSD. Since it’s a relatively new field of study with scientific research and primary source stories just starting to emerge in academic social circles, if you have been targeted pervasively by an angry ex or disordered group who acts like angry circus monkeys, be careful.
Flying Monkeys are the kind of social terrorists that live to manufacture chaos and that throws poop. Constantly seeking to undermine the social validity of other people while striving to make themselves look better, they treat every single social interaction with other people competitively rather than as a collaborative emotional endeavor.
The most important thing you can possibly do for yourself and the greater good of others is to KEEP TALKING about your life experiences in an objective and reflective way. Breaking the silence and telling your story with comfort and ease — rather than going all PTSD when you recall a historical experience or painful life history moment — is the goal for victims hoping to turn into thriving survivors.
Document all you can — not only about incidents of abuse or suspicious activity but about your own emotional, physical, and psychological process. Keep a psych journal and take daily selfies from lots of angles to help you connect the timestamp dots between emotional and physical health changes.
Do you tend to have very real days where it starts to feel like suicide is a legitimate option to end being abused — not something coming from a place where you personally want to die but rather due to a pervasive sense of learned helplessness your Abuser and his or her Enablers taught you?
Yep — let it wash over and through while observing the wave. Understand there is a HUGE difference between feeling like there is no point to go forward because someone with a delusional perspective they are competing with you and must win at all cost is causing them to stalk you persistently or to manufacture chaos for you constantly and wanting to actually die.
Abuse victims want to LIVE. What we DON’T want is to continue to have to live while suffering through daily traumatization and under the oppressive thumb of distempered Abusers.
What we want is for abuse to end. We want to reclaim our power, feel free to be who we are, and hope like hell we don’t have to fear what will happen to us if and when we elect to share some, part, or all of the truth about what we have been forced to suffer or experience due to our proximal interaction caused by our Abuser(s).
Document feelings like toxic shame, humiliation, fear, and frustration when they come up. Let them be what they are, knowing that if your mind is healthy and you are being actively abused (or were abused in the past) that these feelings of upset and embarrassment that you ever trusted or were kind enough to open your life and heart to such people to begin with are of necessity biologically going to come up and wash over you on a regular basis.
Learn how to detach — how to observe — and also how to write or talk things out onto a tape. Admitting you have been abused and really sitting with that harsh truth in a humble, “okay this is really happening” or “Okay — so yes, that really did happen” sort of way can help YOU embrace the “NOW” perspective and give your heart some time to heal and grieve in a much more emotionally safe and productive way than to take shitty advice from Flying Monkeys and Enablers to “forgive and forget” or “let it go” in some truly toxic way.
One can accept the reality or fact they have been abused without needing to punish or engage in acts of competitive retribution. One can also choose to let abuse be something an Abuser does, meaning what they do or say actually matters not a bit with regard to you needing to respect their wishes, needs, attitudes, emotions, or opinions in any way.
One cannot have an honest conversation with a liar in the mix. One cannot make forward momentum progress with a Cluster B predator influencing even one person or event in a lifestyle mix.
Revenge Obsession stalkers are the ultimate power and control freaks. They are also some of the most socially dangerous people on the planet.
If you see any signs that a person you know targets other people for derision or social abuse, eliminating them from your social circle completely and cutting ties with any person still stupid enough to trust them or speak with them is absolutely, without question, the right thing in EVERY case to do.
Show support for targets and collateral damage victims by refusing to overlook negative commentary. Whether a person makes a nasty, ridiculing, or insensitive comment on Facebook or they start gossiping behind a person’s back right in front of you, shut the conversation down immediately and politely.
Family and social networks of abusive people know who the Alpha-wannabes and the Big Dogs are, noting that the person least likely to pop up on the drama radar on social media is the one most likely to be pulling everyone’s strings behind the scenes. True Alphas are out there in homes all around the world, ruling the roost as proverbial Mommy Dearest style matriarchs, Enabling Henchmen or as Dictatorial Patriarchs, and even as “PROBLEM CHILD” (the movie series) kinds of children and narcissistic teens.
Learn to step off the roller coaster of emotions by shifting your perspective about the situation rather than by spending one moment of your time seeking to help people with Cluster B see the light. True Narcissistic Abuse recovery happens when you learn to go Gray Rock (much like Seneca).
If your ex or an estranged party is Machiavellian enough to socially orchestrate complete lies and fabrications to hide the very real fact they are situationally abusing you, it’s a giant CLUE that the people you are dealing with (as a group initiating gaslighting their loved ones first then expanding to deceive their closest friends followed by pulling public con jobs while striving to poison the well against you in an effort to socially harm, shame, isolate, and financially impair you), one must of necessity learn how to “shake it off”.
Revenge Obsessed predators seldom, if ever, voluntarily stop.
Revenge Obsession is a serious form of vendetta stalking, something typically done only by people with a Sadistic streak or who are Psychopathic (at least in part) by nature rather than simply nurture.
Obsessed Ex Syndrome is the key phrase to look up for more information. Many times, people with vendetta agendas have erotomania delusions that cause them to punish anyone who rejects them as a qualified candidate for a job, relationship, or as a suitor. Dark Triads, Malignant Narcissists, and Psychopaths are the usual abusive characters.
Don’t let your name be added to the C-PTSD cancer or high blood pressure struck victims’ name list. If your flight or fight instincts have kicked in, protect your mind, body, and soul by learning all you can about the mechanical dynamics of how and why they are abusing in order to free your heart to experience joy in the NOW.
Look around your living room.
If they (meaning a toxic family or an abuser) are not there, get this, victims — YOU ARE WINNING. Remember that each time a wave of toxic shame induced by an abusive person or Abuse Enabler’s gaslighting arguments to undermine your confidence about going low to no contact with them or a person of interest to them.
Granted, victims seldom are in it to compete. But the ability to perceive situational ethics horizontally rather than vertically is something that even the strongest of Dark Triads are functionally incapable of doing.