This just in! Narcissistic Abuse recovery is possible — not “with time”, but with validation, self-reflection, emotional honesty, and community support for VALIDATION.
The following letter just came in from a reader with a special request we share it with other Narcissistic Abuse victims. Her story, like so many of OUR stories, validates and confirms that we are not crazy, have not been imagining things (like we’ve been accused of doing), and we are actually emotionally sane, relatively psychologically healthy, and quite normal PEOPLE.
We’re sharing the letter EXACTLY as is, without redacting, editing, or changing it. Line by line, keystroke by keystroke, this is HER story — one we feel stronger together as people for knowing.
An open letter to my ex, and to anyone who is struggling like I did:
I used to feel so alone. I used to tear my hair out trying to describe what you were (and still are). But then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. You aren’t complex whatsoever. You are quite simply, JUST a Narcissist. NOTHING MORE.
I didn’t understand what a Narcissist actually was until recently and boy did it open my eyes. Too many people still think that a Narcissist is someone who is “in love with themselves,” or someone who has an overly inflated sense of self-importance, and while that may be true, that is probably the only facet of Narcissism that is easy for people to recognize, which unfortunately is only a VERY small part of the bigger picture.
I wish I had been educated about personality disorders sooner. Particularly the malignant, sociopathic narcissistic kind. I could have identified your exceptionally covert, triangulation manufacturing, blame shifting techniques a long time ago, which could have saved myself a LOT of years, tears, and money. If I knew about the “narcissistic cycle” of love-bombing, hovering, and discarding, none of this ever would have happened….
I knew that what you were doing was wrong. That wasn’t hard to see. I just didn’t understand why you would do that to me, why it was my fault….but more importantly – That there was a name for what you were (Well, besides “selfish, lying, cheating, asshole.”) With your crazy-making-denial techniques constantly whispering in my already traumatized and self-doubting ears, it was hard to believe the truth even when I caught you red-handed. You could draw all over me with red marker and tell me it’s blue, and still have the nerve to get upset with me if I questioned what you were telling me. If I had been educated sooner, I may have avoided the dozens of Flying Monkeys I continue to be faced with daily, created in your wake of what has turned out to be the most monumental smear campaign (against me) that I have ever seen.
I can honestly say that the only thing that bothers me now is how easy it is for me to see the CREATURE that you are since I educated myself about Cluster B Personality Disorders. But yet, the professionals within the Judicial system who are tasked with deciding the fate of the children and victims of these abusers, are being played like a fucking FIDDLE. Victims are literally shamed for speaking up, and are automatically disregarded and reprimanded, simply for speaking up in order to seek protection for themselves and/or their children. THAT is why so many people refer to the system as a broken one. There isn’t enough time, but most importantly, there isn’t enough PATIENCE in the system to take a closer look at most of these cases….
The need for mandatory (and continuing) education in the field of Personality Disorders seems like SUCH an obvious solution to me. It seems to be the number one complaint during custody battles and most always results in extended, frivolous litigation, parental alienation, smear campaigns, financial and reputational ruin, and in some cases, false imprisonment, among other equally devastating consequences like depression, drug abuse, and suicide – Yet nothing has come to fruition in the world of legislation to address this serious problem. Why bother drafting and approving laws for issues such as perjury, if they only seem to matter in criminal court. If anything, lying under oath for the purpose of altering a custody/divorce situation should matter just as much, if not MORE when children are involved. Their emotional well-being is shaping the future. Do we really want their fragile minds in the hands of a controlling, abusive, compulsive liar? I have a feeling that post-divorce Custody Disputes would wield much healthier results if each party had the right to request a court-appointed Mental Health Professional analysis that could give a final recommendation to the court that is respected, similar to a Guardian Ad Litem. Not just counselors, therapists, or psychiatrists, but Doctoral Professionals whose sole purpose is to SPECIALIZE in sifting through the nitty gritty “emotional stuff” that “isn’t appropriate” or is overlooked entirely in the Courtroom. These people would be able to read through the lines and identify abusive patterns that could potentially lead to an unhealthy environment for the child….I mean, each party is required to participate in a Divorce Class when there are children involved – This idea is NOT that outrageous, and would be of enormous relief, especially in high conflict, pro se cases. It would also be a massive relief if Judges were also educated….So as to limit the eye-rolling, angry responses when victims try to speak up. To be blunt about it, SHAME ON THEM for having such little compassion. They have NO IDEA how hard it can be to get the courage to speak up in the first place out of fear of retaliation. Those types of reactions are just as abusive and invalidating as what your abuser doles out. Those reactions will only ever enable further abuse. It should be a right for each party to request these professionals at any time during the process (similar to a Guardian Ad Litem) to give both parties a place they can SPEAK FREELY about any potential abuse or suspected mental health issues that they may be too afraid to speak out about in front of the other party, or in Court. This is VITAL for victims who are already stressed out and anxiety-ridden to the MAX. These people are usually already in a less advantageous position than their abuser, simply due to the abuser’s uncanny ability to isolate their victims into being without a support system, personal income, or other things that would allow a “fair fight” so to say.
These victims AND judges are up against men and women with acting skills that put even the most seasoned movie stars to shame. The abusers always take full advantage of this, and rely on the fact that these hearings are only an average of 15 minutes, which we all know would never be long enough to recognize micro-expressions and other physical cues that identify when a person is lying.
Victims are also frequently in the position to have to defend themselves Pro-Se. These poor souls have NO IDEA how to navigate the legal system, and with emotions running high, most often the results are in favor of the abusers, leaving the victims AND children in a VERY toxic environment. They are usually left even more distraught, victimized, invalidated, abused than they were before – And 9 times out of 10, these victims are then punished for seeking relief in the first place….The abuser is left with a VERY over-inflated sense of justification for abusing their victims, and tend to taunt the victims further, and amplify their “see, even the courts see you’re crazy, I was right all along bullshit.”
If I could see one change in my lifetime, it would be that. I want specially trained professionals IN COURT, analyzing in real time, and on call to speak with counsel and clients, should the parties OR Professionals, suspect that a party may have a Personality Disorder, C-PTSD, or Abusive Patterns.
After spending hours of reading the website flyingmonkeysdenied.com – I was SO RELIEVED to be validated. It’s like, FINALLY! I am NOT crazy you son-of-a-bitch! You AREN’T “just an asshole” and I am NOT “just over-reacting!” YOU are “JUST” a high-functioning, manipulative, psychopathic, sociopathic, narcissistic, motherfucking PREDATOR!!!
YOUR BULLSHIT HAS A NAME AND I AM NOT ALONE!
You have become the most transparent person I have ever seen (through) and I won’t lie, I LOVE that you HATE that I finally figured you out. I REVEL in the fact that I actually THREATEN the empire of lies that you built upon the shoulders of your victims. It has been therapeutic to watch you SQUIRM at my ability to calmly articulate WHAT it is that you’re doing, WHY you are doing it, and WHAT you will say and do next before it even happens. I must say, to now be able to respond to your FUCKERY in such a way that completely invalidates your ability to even USE the (now) pathetically predictable, manipulative, degrading lines we both know you were very much looking forward to working your way towards setting me up to be able to say, in order to “shut me down” and “epically win” the battle you fabricated in that tiny little brain of yours – is PRICELESS.
CHECKMATE YOU LITTLE PRICK.
With my enlightenment sprung BALLS I never even knew I had….And with those balls (that are far bigger than yours will ever be by the way) came my ability to CALL YOUR ASS OUT for the ABUSIVE, PREDATORY, OPPORTUNISTIC piece of SHIT that you are. Deep down inside that black, empty, shriveled little heart of yours, I KNOW you are absolutely TERRIFIED of the knowledge that I have, and the ability to be able to expose ALLLLLL of your lies, big AND small, at ANY given moment…..Well GOOD. I hope you lose sleep over it, you arrogant FUCK. As I once heard somewhere, a Narcissist is only as strong as what you DON’T know yet.
Educate yourself as much as you possibly can. ASK QUESTIONS. If something doesn’t feel right….It’s not, and never will be. TRUST YOUR GUT. Once you educate yourself. Take note of FACTS – NOT WORDS OR PROMISES. Those are just noise in the air. If you think you are being abused in ANY form, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. NOW. Not later. ESPECIALLY if there are children involved. Would you be okay if you saw your son or daughter being treated this way? How would you feel if you saw your son or daughter treating someone else this way? Would you be proud? Would you be happy for them? Would you plead with them to leave? In an increasingly chaotic world, we need to actively lead by example and teach our children that manipulation, bullying, and dominating others is ABUSE, which is NOT okay, and should NEVER, under ANY circumstances, be tolerated. Your life, OR THEIRS, could depend on it. Domestic Abuse related deaths and suicides occur daily, so be the change you want to see in the world.
Find support in those who are going through or have gone through the same thing. HELP others who are just discovering it for themselves. It will give you purpose and keep you focused during what will be a range of emotion. Vulnerable moments are completely normal, but stay strong.
Above all else, know that you are NOT crazy. You are NOT alone. You are NOT a punching bag. You are NOT a scapegoat for someone else’s frustrations. You are NOT a servant, and you are NOT below ANYONE.
I know personally that it is MUCH easier said than done. And I still have days where I want to just give up. But then I come here and find support from equally strong men and women, and I tell myself that sharing a child with a toxic person DOES NOT and will NEVER mean that I am “obligated” to put up with his SHIT.
Abuse. Is. Unacceptable. Period.
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why we keep POSTING.
Saving Dorothy is going to take a smile, cyber hug, and supportive validation for every human who is socially capable still of CARING.
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