It is true — resist the urge to take relationship or professional advice from any person, mediator, social service worker, well-meaning friend or family member prone to tolerating or enabling abuse.
Those who advocate you confide your innermost thoughts, needs, desires, life circumstances, and feelings in therapy, meditations, family counseling sessions, or at the family dinner table are NOT giving you good advice if you are the victim of Narcissistic Abuse.
In all reality, those who give such advice actually are the root cause of most abuse victims and targeted scapegoats suffering extreme social anxiety and health-depleting stress illness issues.
Conflict resolution strategies should never include an Abuser being granted social latitude to continue abusing without accepting responsibility for the negative social effects on other people that their deplorable or callous, egocentric, and self-promoting actions produce.
No emotionally intelligent person rewards a child for lying, hitting, stealing, abusing, or for throwing a temper tantrum to get his or her way with praise, boundless affection, and symbols of appreciation. Toxic parents who indulge unruly children commit child abuse by underparenting.
When a child pitches a fit in line at the grocery store, an emotionally sensitive and loving parent leaves their cart and takes the child to the car. If the child continues to tantrum, they go home.
One never gives in to a toddler or child who uses bad behavior to hold adults emotionally hostage for one simple reason. If the child learns that the most expedient way to get what they want in life is to abuse, chances are it will devolve into a lifelong pattern of garish egocentrism coupled with socially aggressive and domineering behaviors.
Because people who have Cluster B personality types or who were raised by toxic thinkers to willingly abuse or enable by social custom are actually guilty of abuse by proxy. Abuse by proxy happens whenever a victim’s rights are invalidated, their subjective experiences of trauma are minimized, and their health and safety are undermined by any person or group who encourages them to feel toxic shame or to tolerate and further enable their own abuse.
Conflict resolution is the goal of reading most self-help literature. Whether you are conflicted about your past history of personal, professional, and familial relationships, or you are currently involved in a toxic social dynamic, self-reflection and education is always the key to unclogging the relationship drain (so to speak).
“Conflict resolution is a way for two or more parties to find a peaceful solution to a disagreement among them. The disagreement may be personal, financial, political, or emotional. When a dispute arises, often the best course of action is negotiation to resolve the disagreement…” shares the educational website Community Tool Box.
But here is the deal.
Most conflict resolution strategists employed in the mainstream professional mental health arenas are trained to work exclusively with neurotypical people so they tend to give helpful advice to NORMAL people, not toxic thinkers who enjoy abusing or folks who are the preferred scapegoats and targeted victims of the world’s most violent and socially dangerous predators. Plain and simple.
[When in Rome, folks… when in Rome. You don’t give the same advice to a person thrown into the lion’s den or who is being attacked by a bloodlust, rage-fueled Gladiator about how to protect themselves that you do to a girl meeting a guy for a cup of cappuccino at the street cafe in 21st century Florence to discuss how they can best micromanage the equitable and fair distribution of household chores. You just DON’T. ]
If you are the victim of a Cluster B peer group or toxic and abusive person, understand this…
Following mainstream advice for conflict resolution based on a shared desire to communicate on equal footing with a vertical thinker is likely to cause you to develop social anxiety, stress illnesses, or to put yourself in harm’s way with a dangerous situational abuser.
Life coaches and therapists who mean well give fantastic advice to neurotypical people about how to communicate, but they put other human beings’ life and health at risk when advising them to open a dialog and share their feelings, desires, and needs with socially abusive and competitive people.
You see, one in twenty-five people (statistically speaking) have what’s known as a Cluster B personality disorder.
Defined as socially aggressive — oftentimes violent, egocentric thinkers prone to harboring deep-seated resentment towards any peer group or person they feel has offended them in some way or is a rival for other people’s affection or attention — all are vertical (rather than horizontal) thinkers.
Vertical thinkers are fiercely competitive socially and emotionally, seeking dominance. Their desire to best other people in life and nearly every social encounter caused them to live life on the offense as a strategy, constantly on the defensive while actively aggressing.
When working out business deals or personal problems with horizontal thinkers, one can safely assume faith in the common good. Horizontal thinkers are more like trees, relying on one another for social as well as biological support.
Vertical thinkers? Not so much.
They tend to simultaneously embody the essence of a raging bull and sadistic matadors who never stop.
In the mind of a socially competitive person, every conversation is a form of competition. In order for them to feel like winners, they cast other human beings willfully into the psycho-social and physical role of loser.
The only thing that infuriates a Cluster B person more than the thought of losing is creating a win-win situation for all parties involved. As such, if conflict resolution strategies are employed in a personal or professional negotiation, expect the non-Cluster B person to be relentlessly future-targeted.
If a Conflict Resolution strategist or Mediator devises a way for both the Abuser and the abuse victim or victims to find an amicable solution that benefits both parties equally, the social aggressor is likely to overtly or covertly seethe with passive-aggressive rage.
Anyone who has been court-ordered to mediation with a social predator in a high conflict divorce situation can tell you…
The Abuser — even when offered everything they could possibly want or desire — won’t be satisfied until they see their target stripped of all personal or financial professions, their health, their social reputation, any civic power, and functionally (in essence) be destroyed.
Their number one goal in life is to dominate their preferred scapegoats and targeted marks to the point the person dies or ends up so powerless socially and financially that they end up dying penniless and alone — having been publicly humiliated and forced to live a shunned life of nearly total exile.
Corporate raiders often employ a “slash and burn” style of company management during hostile takeovers. They infiltrate the organization, exploit weaknesses, target owners and managers for extreme social and professional abuse, then take over and fire the most caring professionals — typically those who have spent years or decades of their life showing loyalty to corporate culture.
Then, they go home and treat their spouses, romantic interests, “useful” friends, and family members the same way.
The minute a person has outlived their usefulness in the social predator’s minute-to-minute, impulse and desire-driven mind? Expect to be placed into the devalue, abuse relentlessly, or social discard pile right away.
Seeking conflict resolution with a narcissistic or predatory thinker is DANGEROUS. Instead, seek to end all forms of social enmeshment.
If Conflict Resolution strategists listen carefully to a client about the pervasive behavior pattern and mental abuse or emotional abuse tactics being used on them pervasively by whichever group or person has them seeking professional help to resolve disputes, they have the opportunity to deviate from the standard advice plan when and if they see Narcissistic Abuse patterns emerge.
A woman who works who is feeling stressed that her husband won’t help with the nightly dish chores after dinner is not the same as a female who is suffering at the hands of a violent abuser.
Likewise, a man who realizes that his wife — a woman who strives to talk down to and about him in public and in private, who manufactures chaos constantly, who lies, and financially abuses his trust persistently in a marriage or live-in relationship situation — is likely to be harmed socially, physically, and emotionally by giving him advice to open up about his feelings, to stick it out “for the sake of the kids”, and to simply keep trying harder.
A child being abused physically or sexually or who is profoundly emotionally or psychologically neglected by a parent or who is being abused by a family member is likely to be harmed being told that it takes two people to make an argument.
There are two sides to every story — unless one person is telling the god’s honest truth and the Abuser or Abuse Enabler is prone to pathologically lying, invalidating, baiting, provoking, taking liberties to harm, and then publically antagonizing their targeted victim or preferred scapegoats by striving to humiliate and invalidate them while actively lying.
That’s the crux of the problem when dealing with Cluster B people — they lie. They lie about their wants and needs. They lie about their words and deeds.
One simply cannot “negotiate” or settle a conflict with any socially competitive human or irrationally grandiose group.
Reverse projecting the notion that A) all human beings share the same core values and B) that pathological liars who are prone to self-promoting have subjective opinions that can be trusted or should be valued is what gets their victims physically hurt or worse.
In the case of social and political issues, Cluster B cultures tend to believe they are entitled to abuse their Narcissistic Rivals. The term “Narcissistic Rivalry” does not mean the rival is narcissistic; the Abuser is narcissistic, suffering from delusions of grandiosity and entitlement, targeting people they self-perceive to be rivals.
Once a Cluster B person fixates on another human or peer group with hostile thought or socially aggressive thought, literally the only way to back them down is to go total and full no contact. Even then, with the target totally psychologically and socially unenmeshed, social predators with extreme disorders will continue to obsess.
Conflict resolution, in their minds, is their rivals suffer tremendously — personally, professionally, physically, financially, and socially. Unless they can destroy the person’s reputation, break their will entirely, and drive them to suicide, literally they still are NEVER HAPPY.
Most of the time, people who are targeted by Cluster B personality types for extreme forms of social use or abuse tend to be folks on the opposite end of the personality spectrum.
People who have high IQs, emotional intelligence, and emotionally sensitive (meaning aware) personality types are prone to trying the hardest to negotiate successful resolution to conflicts as well as to find win-win solutions that help improve life quality for all who have the pleasure of working with them.
Social predators recognize the type immediately upon seeing them. If the person is not educated about how to spot the red flags and warning signs of emotional abusers or social predators, they tend to reverse project, presuming that the charismatic con artists are like themselves by nature.
Empaths and HSP people tend to be of the Guardian mindset discussed in Plato’s Republic. Their goal in life is to promote the common good, to show respect to all, and to strive to help create lattice-style social frameworks for the community as well as within their own family units.
Neurotypical people, meaning those whose brains are physically able to process complex emotions in a healthful manner, tend to become horizontal thinkers. If the mind sees the value of social camaraderie, they tend to be honest, sincere, happy to help others, against abusing, and inclined to persistently seek win-win solutions with business ties as well as with friends and family members.
Horizontal thinkers could care less about dominating. They strive to find ways to have their own needs met while seeking to co-creatively ensure that other people in the world get their own needs met simultaneously.
One simply cannot and should not enable one person or one party to socially target, dominate, or oppress others.
A successful conflict resolution does not include forcing party A to subsume their human rights and civil needs to that of a person or faction who demands that in order for them to be happy or satisfied that party B should be allowed to run roughshod over the needs, physical rights, or civic rights of a person or preferred scapegoat class they, as Abusers and Abuse Enablers, have targeted.
It’s ridiculous to think that a violent crime victim would go to court, be ridiculed for making a victim’s statement, then forced to invite their Abuser to Sunday dinner. It’s mental abuse to tell them that sort of logic is in any way acceptable, emotionally abusive, and in no uncertain terms UNACCEPTABLE.
It’s equally absurd to expect an abusive victim to negotiate with a person or peer group who is prone to the use of violence, who lies, who makes ad hominem attacks, who dream up elaborate gaslighting stories to smear campaign, poison the well against victims who act as whistleblowers, or to give them any social credibility whatsoever.
One simply does not give leeway to a tantrumming teen with a social demeanor that resembles an over-tired, irrational, and compulsively egocentric toddler.
If two parties are neurotypical and having issues, conflicts can be resolved by mediating, talking things through, and having each party make rational concessions that will allow them both to have their needs met in such a way that both parties prosper and return to an emotional state something akin to a workable neutral.
On the other hand, if one party or both parties display high traits of egocentrism, a lack of care or respect for the rights and needs of the other side, and strives to dominate?
Don’t bother to throw in the towel. Chances are the more abusive aggressor will snatch it up as quickly as they can even if they have 100 of their own at home.
Because that’s what socially competitive, vertical thinkers do. If they see something they can grab, steal, take by physical force, or legally connive to get… they will TAKE. Not based on need, but simply to ensure that they deny any and all other people who might need or want the towel from having it.
In their minds, depriving others of joy, happiness, or material success makes them winners.
Because they find no value in social relationships for the sake of companionship without insisting that someone be dominant, they miss the point of concepts like humanitarianism altogether.
For that reason alone and literally millions of others, protecting their targets from suffering further abuse by advising them to end all forms of social and emotional entanglement IS the right “CONFLICT RESOLUTION STRATEGY” to use when and if one or more of the contentious parties happens to have Cluster B personality disorder issues.