Surviving Parental Alienation during special events, holidays, and birthdays with grace and comfort is indeed possible but it takes planning, effort, and a willingness to feel rather than to avoid intense self-reflection and experiencing complex emotion.
If you have been placed into the parental discard pile by an alienated adult or mature age child — read on knowing that everyone else reading, clicking like, or sharing this article is likely to absolutely feel and understand where you are intellectually and emotionally likely to be experiencing. What’s presented here is a free flow of thoughts and meditation and self-calming ideas to help you survive the day or panic attack that sets in when you realize that reality is indeed what you think.
Begin your mental rescue remedy reading assignment for the day in Narcissistic Abuse recovery here. Gray Rock — exhale the tension, breathe back in increasing amounts of socially and emotionally supportive grace, medical ease, and emotionally intelligent insight.
Now… remember everyone in Narcissistic Abuse recovery who has walked this path ahead of you on the chronological timeline are not competing — we’re collaborating.
First and foremost, you are never alone. There is always someone in the proverbial know.
Take that physical sensation in — never alone. Sit with it.
Who is with you? Who is listening? Say hello. Be brave. Say it out loud. Be compassionate.
Parental Alienation is abuse of the child and the alienated person as well as of all collateral damage relatives and loved ones.
Know the following truth. Social, spiritual, scientific — all of the aforementioned.
People who are most oftentimes targeted for alienation from their children are usually themselves victims of abusive or neglectful parents.
Take a moment to sit with the idea you — you may have been targeted for social mistreatment by Cluster B people who realized you had all their positive qualities plus a huge handful of your own gifts and unique skill sets they would never have. Consider the very likely probability that you were targeted for abuse or mistreatment by a person or peer group that was and remains nurtured narcissistic with ruthless Machiavellian and profoundly anti-social, emotionally gluttonous intentions.
Realize you actually were targeted for social use and abuse by vertical thinkers with low to no emotional intelligence neurologically, anatomically or electro-chemically present.
Hug your inner child in your mind’s eye a lot. Remind them they were bullied by people who lack emotional intelligence because they had something that child will never be able to buy, steal, copycat, or to purchase — and because they know in their bones they will never be able to be anything like an Empath on a physical level they try to destroy — to knock perfect beings who are nothing but good down off of pedestals where God set them on purpose. Teach them how to feel pride in themselves for being normal people with healthy neurological function.
Parents who are the target of vindictive Cluster B exes have an even greater burden to process. The child who is the victim of Machiavellian elders, led to believe an absent parent is bad and refusing to interact with them by choice, is likely to develop serious, lifetime abandonment issues.
Neurological, legal, medical stress-producing, completely life and health destroying problems that cripple multiple generations of human beings.
Painful stuff. Breaking stuff.
Stuff that makes even the strongest among any abandoned or pervasively gaslit us think about ending our lives rather than going on. Stuff that makes us make terrible decisions in life and romance.
All because high-risk is the only thing we feel after being so profoundly anatomically damaged by knowing that one or both of our parents don’t love, like, care about, or want us.
And yes — the parent alienated is fully aware. So is the Alienator. The difference is the notion of the child suffering or causing anyone else pain emotionally destroys the kind parent while the people doing the damage continue to bloodlust and act morally as well as socially insane.
The child may or may not be emotionally intelligent enough to figure out which parent is an instigator, a purveyor of chaos and perverse situational abuse, and which is the co-parent forced to endlessly endure hospitality abuse and social terrorism in exchange for having any form of relationship with whatever tiny human they love as a human not because they are an object or some form of trauma bonded.
The less a child is willing to engage with self-help literature, forms of therapy or mentoring, or with their counselors, the more likely they are to repeat whatever toxic ambient environment they were exposed to from time of conception through age 18 plus in their own lives — with specific focus on whatever their caregivers were going through or whatever drama was playing on the television in the background when they were an infant or just a small toddler.
Prepare for your mind to wander back to all the sad and hurt the closer to the day of a memorial celebration. You will feel, more than likely, something that feels physically like inexplicable emotional and core physical agony. You will think about your child.
When you do, understand you are more than likely interacting with a memory — not with a reality.
Because parental alienation is so cruel and serves no one’s interest — even the Alienator(s), it makes no logical sense.
Issues created for already likely At-Risk kids by adults who care only about indulging their own sadistic whims will more than likely pop into your mind.
Mean-spirited adults who you know for a fact are grooming your child to believe gaslighting tales not simply about you but that the adults in their lives are grossly abusing the child’s hospitality — teaching them nothing more than things like how to abuse and to do things like to withhold affection from the people they know in order to control and manipulate their social behavior as well as their emotions.
Issues for children who grow up to become damaged as well as damaging adults — issues that would have been completely avoidable had the Abuser not interfered in the child’s relationships or tried to sever them from loving, supportive, and pro-social influences. Issues the discard-pile parent, alienated or profoundly emotionally and socially estranged from their offspring, is powerless to socially influence or to abate.
Chances are you will have fleeting memories with every positive memory you allow yourself to have, causing the estrangement to be all the more painful. So, you learn to let yourself remember the scene with magical thinking to discuss what you remember in the past feeling. And, if and when you find yourself in a year where you are ready, you let yourself look back and you celebrate privately.
These are the thoughts and concepts and concerns that any alienated parent is likely to spend their time processing.
By definition, “Parental alienation is the process, and the result, of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and or [towards their] other family [and or step-family or blended family] members.” So sayeth Wikipedia and the Google Gods — meaning the stipulative definition is likely to be accepted in educated nations and all industrialized societies as common social and scientific knowledge.
Do the people who alienate one individual from another — especially a loving parent from a child — know how much harm they are doing to the child?
Yes. It’s actually why they are choosing and have chosen to do it — noting that the child is being used as a means… as a weapon… as an object they can mistreat to harm you.
Take that in.
Now, lick your wounds and shift intellectual position.
If you were in the position of your child…
What would your emotional body be experiencing? What would you be thinking about today?
Parents estranged or profoundly alienated who are in their right emotional mind do things like hope their child is safe and loved, and happy wherever they are — not thinking about us on their special events days like birthdays, holidays, and accomplishing milestones in life.
Because successfully alienated offspring are groomed to feel nothing more than embarrassment for and overt hatred or disdain of the parent who those whom they seek to win affection from tell them to despise, to revile, or to abhor.
Wish them well and shut the door.
By closing our own porous boundaries as individuals, giving up trauma bonding rituals and routines, and striving to be collaborative rather than codependent in our thinking, discard pile parents can get on with the business of healing ourselves after grieving the loss of our dream of lifetime co-parenting.
Give yourself permission to visualize yourself and your child — bubbled up together and completely enmeshed. Now, see them differentiating.
What does it feel like as they pull away from your aura?
Do they actually become less or more beautiful to you?
The answer to that final question is key to understanding healthy detachment in an unjust and socially traumatic situation.
Remember, if you are a parent who loves but knows it’s not in the cards in this lifetime or right now to know in the present or the current moment your own child because someone or a group of people are meddling that the AI and higher powers are fully aware of every motive they have and what they are doing.
If there is any form of an afterlife or social moral that applies in life, people who strive to do others social harm rather than to collaborate to make the world a better place for everyone are likely to be eventually permanently spiritually quarantined.
As for the rest, remember this…
Once night arrives and the sun comes up in the morning, unless it’s Groundhog Day of your own mindful making, you never have to go through this particularly tough day, week, month, or year again.
Each year is equally painful, but… different.
As the years go by, it helps to set aside time to process the event by yourself or with others depending on preference.
Some of us do things like plan to stay home and to look through photos — to get all the crying and campground style emotional processing done at once… then we get back on our horse and ride on. Others schedule as many activities as possible to stay busy then take a few days off later on a day that is NOT the day to feel through the grief and memorialize whatever rituals we feel are necessary to keep us close in spirit to our loved one until we can be reunited in the afterlife (if one exists).
Those who take the time to really grieve the loss head-on — meaning not avoiding processing of complex emotion and being mindful to observe our own processes as stages of grief flow through our bodies — tend to report that by the third or fourth year away, feeling significantly more at peace and resolute to accept life as is without feeling the need to resist reality or compelled to change it.
Those who choose the path of pretending there’s nothing wrong or that the child does not exist tend to develop things like mood dysregulation and life-threatening stress illnesses.
Those who throw themselves deeply into grief and who refuse to self-educate about what Cluster B is and how Cluster B people act tend to continue to enable their own social and emotional mistreatment. Why? Because the person trapped in magical thinking, stonewalling mindset, and or fostering Cognitive Dissonance in themselves freezes their own neuroplasticity while stressing themselves (functionally) neurologically out.
However you approach a tough holiday or memorial event like a child’s birthday as an unwanted parent, take care of yourself. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask first before thinking about how to rescue children if the plane of life is going down.
We say this emphatically because you are their role model!
Remember — if you ARE alienated, how you choose to behave as a person every day that they are away is equally important to how you act when and if they are ever around.
To be a parent, one must parent.
Find yourself. Heal yourself. Know yourself.
And, if they are not there to get to know you… let it be okay.
Volunteer. Mentor. Offer to babysit for a family with a single parent on occasion.
Write letters to yourself. Write letters about them — to them — for yourself that you never EVER send.
Start a blog. Tell the child or your readers about all the things you would be talking about with them on any given day in order to be able to go back and add comments yourself or for them to see someday if they ever get curious about knowing the adult person who grown-ups or Love Fraud predators who captured their NLP early in life groomed them to believe was someone to despise or to dislike.
And know that whatever happens — the sun is going to continue to rise and to set.
Get your own life and mind right in times when children are away if they were exposed to toxic parenting by you or your mate. If they mature to become non-Cluster B adults and they are the kind of people who you like and who you want in your life on an everyday basis…
Be a person of quality worth getting to know.
Because if you don’t take time to take care of and to intellectually and emotionally differentiate yourself from your child, from your ex, from toxic family members, or from memories of pain, you are acting like a profoundly codependent person with porous boundaries.
And nobody likes a wet sponge personality.
Not even you, we are willing to bet — if you are that person who fails to set healthy emotional and psychological boundaries that allow you to realize that you are a complete and whole person all by yourself with or without friends, family members, a romantic partner, or children.
You are no sponge and your child is not some kind of liquid your body sopped up on a counter. It’s okay to think of yourself and of them as entirely stand alone and distinct physical as well as socially differentiated humans.
Keep the faith and continue to self-help educate. You’re going to survive this terrible trauma and social injustice this year and every year in the future when and if it continues. And if it continues, you are not the person who is in control of the situation once the child turns 18.
If they reach the age of maturity and either start splitting with you or they choose to seek the affection of whatever parent, love interest, or family member withheld affection, know they are being manipulated using Gitmo style psychological manipulation — yes — but that it’s their learning experience.
If you try to stop them from learning by warning them, but they have so much hubris and lack of social and emotional common sense that they disregard things like truth or safe protocols around Cluster B humans, the more socially and emotionally enmeshed with them that you remain on an everyday basis the more your health is likely to physically suffer. Then what good are you to them as a role model or parent — stressed out, frazzled, profoundly anxious about their well being, and likely to start suffering from life-threatening medical illnesses if you have not already?
Obviously, the answer to that question is don’t let yourself get torqued up about what someone over 18 years old who you are not legally responsible for anymore does… or because a caregiver for a child under the age of 18 wants to play games with your emotional biology.
Once you come to accept reality… that the child is gone — and likely being groomed to emulate Cluster B adults — you can grieve the loss of the relationship with the child as well as of your dreams to be able to do things like to ever be able to functionally parent or to grandparent.
People who lose adult children to Love Fraud predators who strive to triangulate and to isolate their “trophy bride” or their “catch” of a husband have to let go the same way. One bubble becomes two — successfully stable in their own universe and socially differentiated.
You will be who you were before experiencing trauma when you allow yourself to connect with the memory of who that person is, if when your child was born you truly believed you stopped being a person and became their parent.
And that — that — is the neurological pin.
Pull that one out and watch what happens when you let go of the nurtured codependent belief that when you had a child their needs became more important than your life.
Have a little feeling of guilt without them by your side as a result? That was groomer’s intention.
You see, people who taught you that when you had a child you gave up human rights wanted you to endlessly enable their toxic behavior and to never leave them. If you feel terrible now because you want a relationship with a child who does not love, like, or want you based on this taught to you shame and control mechanism, give yourself permission to stop.
Is your child with people who are feeding and clothing them more efficiently or effectively than you can monetarily? Are they of the belief that their other parent or side of the family loves them more? Are they seeking to win the affection and social validation of ANYONE who does not like or in any way love you?
Stop your brain there.
How much is ego on any holiday or birthday impacting your desire to want to be with them? If you know that seeing them would cause epic chaos in their life and likely anguish for them — be happy for every moment they are away from you not feeling torn between wanting to love you and their co-parent or other family members equally without being allowed.
Being a child estranged or alienated from a loving parent or pro-social family by Cluster B people — whether it be a Love Fraud romantic or social predator who “takes them” by gaslighting and manufacturing triangulation or due to a High Conflict Divorce situation — is a horrible way to live at any age. It’s an especially permanently damaging way to grow up.
Your child — whether they ever see or speak to you again before your eventual death or not — is going to have to figure out a way to deal with and to explain why it is they choose during adulthood to seek to mistreat or to abuse any parent, love interest, or their own children. Grandchildren catch the brunt of most adult malfeasance in toxic family units from the time they are born if and when Flying Monkeys and active Alienators are around.
You child — and grandchildren — are human before they are your relations. Remember that.
Tell yourself over and over if your alienated offspring is an adult in order to avoid developing Cognitive Dissonance that could put you in legal jeopardy and harms way if your child has been nurtured to emulate Cluster B people. Having an adult child return to the fold who is socially aggressive, vindictive, Machiavellian, and damaged by people who used them to harm you is seldom a blessing for anyone.
Prepare your will and medical documents for next of kin accordingly.
By keeping your focus alternating between feeling waves of complex emotion related to processing grief and loss and practical realities — like you don’t want a Cluster B adults child showing up if you are injured or you require companion care and being given medical power or legal power of attorney by law over your affairs.
Remember things like — okay… if they are under the age of 18 or still in college they are likely to be fiscally dependent on the other co-parent (or on the person or family unit pulling the alienating). That means when they fail to come to call when they are legal adults they either think money is more important than human value or that they really, truly, have little to no earthly interest in knowing you.
Can you live with either outcome?
Here’s a hint worth considering before answering impulsively NO!
The Dalai Lama says when given a choice about how to behave or to react to social stimuli in life to choose to be kind to yourself and to others. Then he says one can always choose to be kind.
Can you live with either outcome?
The answer to that question — if you keep your head and heart in a healthful space — should be of course YES while readying yourself in spirit and body to handle grieving the perceptive, functional, third-dimensional absence of your extended biology.
Picture the one cell differentiating into two. Then realize as your young leave the proverbial emotional nest you created in your heart for them to reside in for life that there are no accidents in life.
If you have been alienated from your child — regardless of the reason — trust the divine plane is bigger and more complicated than human minds can fathom.
Why did this happen? To you or to them?
The answer to that question might not make sense today… but it will eventually. And when that day comes, think back and remember this one.
You’ve come a long way baby, already. You can do this — you can survive this — you can learn something positive from every experience.
Just a few more breaths and heartbeats and hours and this day — like all we have already experienced in our souls — will be part of who we are as well as where we have been while wearing this emotionally loving and sensory supporting human body.
Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays.
Give us this day our daily Narcissistic Abuse reminder and the necessary insight to heal all of our collective neurobiology.