Why is breaking up with a Narcissist or Narcopath so hard to do? Because they sell you out and betray you every time — no matter how faithful, loving, loyal, and honestly kind person you have been to them, or continue to be after a breakup. Narcissists and Narcopaths are the betrayers of hospitality in the modern world; like Judas Iscariot, they will sell their souls for 30 pieces of silver or perceived “narcissistic injury” irrational and immoral vendetta-inspired gold.
Whether you are a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with an angry, confrontational man or a man who is actively being abused by a self-centered and obnoxious, controlling woman, the truth of the matter is not only is the longer one stays involved in a toxic relationship, the more likely they are to end up with physical as well as psychological and emotional affectations.
Shrink for Men — a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery website (of sorts) for male victims of women (or male partners) who exhibit all the standard garden variety of personality disorders and toxic qualities shared an insightful perspective about why it takes so long to heal after a breakup with one of these challenging-to-have-to-deal with and vexingly dangerous personalities. Their writer shared their opinion on the matter at hand, thoughtfully and succinctly explaining the following:
“In a normal relationship, one would be able to eliminate this cycle of conflict through understanding and compromise. However, with high-conflict individuals, this cycle is deeply ingrained within their DNA. As described above, there is no compromise. There is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation designed to blame you for any lack of responsibility or accountability on their part. Absolute control of the partner is the goal. This is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning…
“Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame one’s self or to simply justify their bad behaviors. Only through careful observation can one begin to perceive the true intent of your partner’s manipulative actions. In my case, the visualization of a flowchart added a tangible realization as to why the conflicts progressed as they did…
“These are, of course, my own personal observations and interpretations. Your personal flow chart could vary from mine. Nevertheless, I suggest you do your own case study and study the trends. Your epiphany might just give you a different perspective. You may not like your circumstances any better, but you may be better able to cope with them until other options are available.
— Shrink for Men
Men are just as vulnerable to Narcissistic Abuse as women are (in general). As of 2015, statistical evidence suggests that 1 in 3 women experience domestic violence, noting that 1 in 6 men are also victims.
Considering the very real fact that well over 10% of the world’s population meets diagnostic criteria for having either NPD or ASPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder, respectively), the preponderance of articles being posted in self-help groups and in online environment still tends to lean heavily in favor of showing domestic abuse or domestic violence social support for women.
Ladies, if you are guilty of making an arrogant and haughty presumption that men are not abused, wake up. It’s high time for you to do a self check on your own narcissistic, egocentric, and grandiose behaviors.
Boys born in the 21st century are tasked with the challenge of not only needing to learn how to use technology to their own advantage, their voice needs to be considered when it comes to conversations about Narcissistic Abuse if for no other reason than some truly fantastic men out there are being treated like crap and don’t deserve it.
Resist the urge to teach little boys how to act competitively in social settings while shaming them for showing emotion. Granted, testosterone does play a chemical role in the development of size, bone density structurally, and aggression but for the most part remember these future young men will not only be the generations to embrace science and technology in new ways but are the children tasked with the role of making up for all the past transgressions of their male predecessors.
Children of all ages, sexes, backgrounds, religions, and gender should be taught empathy and social respect for others in order to give them a career and functional life advantage. With the goal of space colonization on the rise and NASA actively recruiting new Astronauts for their Mission to Mars program(s), young intellectuals, children with highly sensitive personalities, and kinesthetic learners alike will need to set aside personality differences if humanity is to thrive (rather than simply survive).
Encouraging Narcissism in children is a dangerous game. Desensitizing them to violence by exposing them to things like horror movies at young ages warps personalities in ways the arrogant and short-sighted people or parents who allow children to have access fail to grasp as a concept relating to causal affectations.
Young men and women coming of age who have been raised by narcissistic peer groups and toxic parents tend to get in the most legal trouble between the ages of 18 and 28. If they are vulnerable or weak narcissists, their covert behaviors learned in youth can help keep them out of jail and off police radars. However, once those personality types begin to flourish by positioning themselves in upwardly mobile careers, those who are Narcissists or Narcopaths by nature (or nurture) have a tendency to start to behave in ways that are — at least situationally — more overt.
That’s where the break up trauma starts to affect their preferred scapegoat targets and victims. People who fall for love bombing tactics develop things like Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma Bonds, and Cognitive Dissonance.
People who are People Pleasers by nature are those most prevalently targeted for social and psychological abuse by narcissistic people. As such personality types are typically the non-conforming enablers raised by toxic families, they typically all have porous boundaries. As such, their parents and/or primary caretakers raise them as targeted scapegoats who willingly believe they are somehow bad people or acting selfishly to set healthy boundaries.
Because if People Pleasers set healthy boundaries then enforce them, within a few short generations of linear time rampant Narcissism and Sociopathy nurtured by cultures all around the world is likely to be reduced. To a narcissistic person, that means their very survival would be threatened (when and if they or their mini-me offspring are unable to use other people’s energy as their own emotional vampire food).
So, when trying to break things off with a Narcy predator, they do what any animal in the wild threatened would do. They burr up and will do or say just about anything to gaslight, write revisionist history, intimidate, victim shame, and blame shift when it comes time to accept emotional, moral, legal, and financial responsibility for the very real harm they all (by systematic habit patterns that reflect entitlement-based thinking) do.
If you are involved romantically with a person who is abusive or who shows signs of having a personality disorder, resist the urge to minimize abuse. Trusting your gut and refusing to condone abusive behaviors from a love interest does not make you selfish, unkind, or in any way narcissistic and “unloving” like they try to manipulate and gaslight you into believing you are being when and if you make the wise choice to be proactive about setting healthy boundaries.
Break the silence and share your story without toxic shame when and if a love interest — male, female, or otherwise, actively makes a deliberate choice to behave in ways that are abusive. Run — don’t walk — to the nearest exit if and when someone openly and without provocation of any substantial import callously invalidates your feelings or overtly shows they have little to no respect for you.
How many chances should be given to an abusive person before being willing to leave them for your own safety or best interest? In a perfect world, the correct answer to that question would be none… because people would already be educated about how to spot the red flags and warning signs they have been targeted for use, devaluation, discard by an abusive person. But in a less than perfect world, one where so many narcissistic and enabling parents born in the WWII and Baby Boomer eras (or later) failed to teach children how to set boundaries, spot bad people, or have empathy for themselves [as well as being willing to show unconditional love and support for others], the more pragmatic answer is once.
One time is all it takes to show you what a person is capable of emotionally and intellectually. If they lie to manipulate or obscure truth, if they fail to share the whole story about things (rather than parts that serve their best interest only), if they are deceptive in general — understand it’s emotional and psychological assault. People who behave badly but show true remorse don’t repeat mistakes of the past in any way, shape, or form.
People who are capable of harming other people with words or physical actions they know are likely to cause fear in a victim or unnerve a witness only get worse. Victims themselves set the standard for what they will take by making excuses for the people they otherwise should eschew and not date. But the real kick in the teeth comes once a targeted victim realizes they were set up for a love fraud incident and were in fact conned in the most personal of ways any “evil” natured person could do.
Dante Alighieri had it all figured out when he wrote his “Divine Comedy”. Placing people like Judas in the 9th circle of Hell for betraying people who showed him nothing but kindness and hospitality, he asserted a philosophical and theological premise at the same time, one perfectly describing the worst moral crime any man or woman could perpetrate upon the other.
When walking away — if you missed the warning signs the person you chose to be with romantically is narcissistic by nature or nurture — forgive yourself for not knowing then all you do now after reading more about Cluster B personality disorders and egocentric social predators. Now that you know better, infuse your mind and daily life with all the subliminal and academic lifestyle reminders you needs to pull yourself out of the Flying Monkey soup.
Read 100 articles a day on tough days if you must; on easy days read 101 or 102. Read until such a time your start to feel yourself going gray rock internally when and if you elect to psychologically review (rather than react) to flashbacks that take you back to the time your abuser caustically and arrogantly traumatized (and victimized) you. Then, read some more. Share your story with yourself first and resist the urge to drag abusive, clueless, enabling, or narcissistic people to therapy with you.
Going “low contact” or “No Contact” with an abusive person can be incredibly difficult at times but truly — for one’s own safety and well being — is necessary. It’s seriously hard to get over a breakup with such a person due to the love fraud involved, the pervasive abuse patterns that abusers exhibit, and the frequent invalidation and bad advice about how to get over a relationship with a Narcissist or Narcopath given by pot stirring and enabling Flying Monkeys.