Narcissistic Abuse recovery happens with education — not over TIME. Learn how to spot the warning signs you are being abused and make a different choice about who to spend your time with and how you really want to live out the remaining days of the rest of your natural-born, God-given (not “parent provided”) life.
Flying Monkeys and enablers love nothing more than to tell a grieving abuse victim who has pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps, gone NO CONTACT, and are struggling to make their way the best they can through surviving a crisis that no matter how hard they try to get away that the relationship with their abuser(s) will magically lead them back to being forced to accept further abuse from the predator. The remarks come in the form of “All wounds take time to heal.” What that really means is a victim is expected to run back to who or what hurt them at every Abuser’s beck and call when and if they have the strength to kneel.
Since most relationships with narcissistic people leave the Abusers and their Enablers elevated socially and emotionally to a lucrative position of social status, their goal is to ensure preferred scapegoats and black sheep of the family never in a million years have their needs or experiences validated. Human rights for a domestic abuse victim are virtually non-existent in the mind and heart of Enablers — people who will do or say anything it takes to ensure the Abuser’s needs are met and that they themselves never have to go without or suffer being targeted themselves.
Enablers don’t want you to go back to your abuser and sweep everything abusive people have done under the rug for the sake of a victim. Instead, toxic shame is instilled in the victim for refusing to enable. After all, if the victims of Narcissistic Abuse would just shut up and keep lying down to take it, an Enabler’s life would be all happy-go-lucky, “touchy-feely”, and calm.
People who support Abusers and narcissistic people are an odd bunch of birds. In the self-help community, they are commonly referred to as Flying Monkeys — referring (of course) to the winged little monster beasts in the fictional account of the Wizard of Oz.
In the story, the Wicked Witch of the East — a Dark Triad from a toxic family whose Dark Triad Sister was accidentally killed when Dorothy’s house accidentally landed on top of her when it was brought into Oz and dropped down in Munchkinland by a tornado — has Flying Monkeys. As her enabling army, Flying Monkey personality types tend to fear and loathe their ruler but unquestioningly strive to meet her every need and whim.
Fully willing to abuse by proxy with little to no conscience, the Flying Monkey personality type is essentially nothing more than an incredibly weak, vain, and shallow brand of Narcissist. While most tend to be far more covert than overt, their role in the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is arguably more evil and toxic than that of well-known and self-admitted Abusers with sadistic streaks who openly admit they love seeing other people hurt.
The Flying Monkey wants the protection, love, validation, and approval of the abuser. They might be a mother, father, sister, brother, grandparent, or simply a weak-minded, low IQ friend.
They also might be parishioners in a congregation, a person who is willing to vote for a corrupt politician simply so they can vote for the right designer political brand, or a corporate member who goes with the flow of corporate culture in any professional environment (someone willing to overlook abuse or pretend nothing inappropriate is happening in the office despite a caring whistleblower coming forward to voice a public complaint or lament).
They might be a school principal or teacher who overlooks bullying or a daycare provider who lets children’s behavior turn “Lord of the Flies”. Think chaos manufactured, then supervised by a person who triangulates, lies, and sadistically promotes the targeting of various sources with absolute maniacal relish with delight.
Or, they may simply be a person who uses free will choice to lie, gossip, or smear campaign a “Narcissistic Rival” — a person they envy secretly who they perceive is their social competition for a stronger predator or targeted person’s affections.
One of the most pervasive gaslighting lies Abuse Enablers tell is “Time Heals All Wounds”.
Time NEVER heals wounds caused by things like “Love Fraud”, deep betrayals that are never validated and set right by whatever person enacted the moral transgression against a victim, child abuse issues, or Narcissistic Abuse.
While time and space to heal and process events that happen when and if a person is triggered into reacting or over-reacting to a hot-button situation tends to de-escalate tempers and restore rationality, when true abuses happen that traumatize a victim, their wounds never heal no matter how much their Abuser or Abusers and Abuse Enablers insist they “let it go”, get on with their lives, or forget about it.
You see, there is a reason why the mind continues to replay abuse scenarios and provoke the same set of biochemical responses to past trauma in PTSD flashbacks. If the mind does not feel the body or emotional body is safe from repeated victimization, it will do whatever it takes to ensure that it protects its bio-space.
A trauma victim forced to live with their attacker who walked up to them on the street, mugged them, assaulted them, and socially humiliated, shamed, tortured, made fun of, and attacked is likely to form severe signs of having generalized anxiety, mild to severe depression, C-PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, and other medical issues related to intense stress. As their bodies are never chemically allowed to rest, the mind tends to become locked more and more into fight or flight.
But a trapped Narcissistic Abuse victim — one guilted and socially shamed into having their fundamental human rights to life, liberty, and the emotionally safe pursuit of happiness denied — never gets a chance to flee. Not only is the cycle of grief permanently interrupted by being forced to remain in a domestic or workplace abuse situation, with each new day exposed to abusive personality types new injuries occur and arise.
The Flying Monkey seeking to make life better for themselves and abusive people ONLY will be the first to tell a victim that breaking away from a toxic peer group or active, unrepentant Abuser is “unacceptable”. They will also be the first to demand a victim apologize and make nice with the people who socially, emotionally, physically, sexually, or sometimes even financially abused them.
Did your brother get caught routinely doing things like:
- lying his ass off
- cheating on his wife or romantic partner
- engage in con artist tactics
- scream until he’s red in the face
- yell so loud the neighbors or witnesses to temper tantrums are also made to feel fear or be traumatized
- spit in your face while striving to menace and intimidate
- throw things or rage in front of you on a regular basis
- wave hands, fists, or bludgeoning objects wildly in an attempt to assert domination while intimidating
- attempt to physically murder you for fun and sport
- hit on your wife or girlfriend
- ruin your relationship with a parent or child
- terrify you as a passenger when and if he elected to have a road rage incident when he was behind the wheel and sought to feel powerful
- make mayhem in your personal world
- call you nasty names
- spread lies and rumors about you and your friends or romantic partner, make up stories about you
- cut you down routinely
- strive to humiliate you in public and then claim he was “just being funny” and claim you have no sense of humor
- fleece you out of cash, manual labor, or personal property by lying to get you to willingly give them money or to help them
- fail to ever treat you with respect or consideration
… then pretend they have, “No earthly idea” why you would be angry or want to sever your relationship with them in any way?
Has your Somatic Narcissist sister seduced your boyfriends, husband, and set their sites on winning over your children? How about your Covert Narcissist ex-wife?
Do they routinely take advantage of, bully, or shame others at every possible opportunity then deny they have done so or feign victimhood themselves rather than owning up to their own malfeasant behaviors and vindicating their victims in such a way that the traumatized person could actually be allowed to save face as well as heal from the pain felt stemming from disgrace?
Has your sibling spent your entire lifetime situationally abusing — treat you like absolute crap 90% of the time in private then pretending you two are best friends in public the minute mom, dad, a family friend, or stranger walks in? Do they almost seem to compulsively act two-faced — noting that they really are not compelled to act in such a way but rather choose at select times that are the most advantageous to them to act duplicitously in such extreme gaslighting forms of ways?
Does your Abuser or your toxic family expect YOU to keep HIS secrets? You know the one… that he’s a drunk, alcoholic, drug-addled, abuser who routinely fleeces friends, family, and the general public for both money and time in order to enable his ability to keep abusing everyone around him in real-time? Or the creepy aunt, uncle, father, mother, grandparent, step-parent, step-child, or sibling who sexually abuses whenever they have the opportunity?
How about the actively homosexual but on the “down-low” marriage partner who cheats routinely on their husband or wife with a same-sex lover? Since no one believes he could possibly be a cheater, anyone with proof or witnesses him cheating first hand is accused of making things up for attention, told they are LYING about what they have seen first hand, and or shunned by the family and spouse for revealing his toxic shame secrets.
There is also the classic problem drinker or recreational drug user who claims they are not an addict because they manage to hold down a job, come home most nights, and they don’t have to go to Narcotic Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. You see, in their mind and that of their active Enablers, as long as their drinking is not making a problem for THEM, who cares how many other people their addictive or problematic drug or alcohol use is affecting?
The Flying Monkey says the victim of ongoing abuse targeting and preferred scapegoats of the abuser must not only forgive the Abuser — they are expected to willingly continue to subject themselves to suffering even more ongoing abuse as well as to actively themselves apologize! At no point is the Abuser expected to change his behavior, feel remorse for his actions, or to ever offer a sincere apology in the form of changed behavior.
On the contrary.
In the mind of a Flying Monkey who is socially, physically, or financially using an Abuser, when a preferred scapegoat bucks, it makes THEIR life more difficult. As such, the victim standing up for their fundamental human rights and civil rights must be stopped.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “When mama ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy.”? Yep. Turns out when someone in a top position of authority has a Cluster B personality disorder, when they are displeased with life even they are not willing to be kind to, loving, or supporting to their own Enablers.
When a person with a Cluster B personality type is enabled, they come to expect certain things from both their scapegoat targets and their Enablers. Being treated like a Golden Child does not sum up what really happens, for instance, in a toxic family or narcissistic peer group when more than one type of social predator is present.
If the mother is toxic and the most Machiavellian of the family unit, she’s likely to strive to promote sibling rivalry, to entice the father to act like an Enabling Henchman and to protect the most abusive of her offspring as a person who she’s raised to model in her image. She’s likely to treat that child like he or she walks on water (allowing them to abuse with absolutely no repercussions or accountability for action) while treating enabling Conformist children like geese who lay golden eggs.
If the father is the most toxic, he is likely to bellow and demand things be done his way — without showing any care, concern, interest in, or affection for his wife or children. He’s Archie Bunker, demanding anyone in earshot when and if he’s having a fit of rage willingly take it on the chin when and if he bosses people around while treating them verbally nowhere nearly as well as Archie himself treated his son-in-law “Meathead”.
If a boss is the most toxic person in a business structure or corporation, expect them to have enabling minions. If a school teacher, doctor, police officer, or military professional has a personality disorder, expect them to fake records about any incident where it is their word against a victim’s.
If the leader of a religious organization promotes and enables Narcissistic Abuse, expect any person who follows the faith to think abusing people at home or in the community at large in similar ways is absolutely moral and A-OKAY. When one listens to an interview with someone like the folks who attend the Westboro Baptist Church or who refuses to respect gay marriage or transgender people’s values, it is the fastest way to explain how religious abuse occurs.
Both the person preaching abuse values and toxic thinkers who blindly follow without ever applying their own strident common sense and logic are abusers. While the stronger personality type may be the leader preaching hate speech and intolerance, it’s their Flying Monkeys who support them socially and willingly “Abuse By Proxy” who do the most damage to society at large, to individualized targets, and themselves create pervasively toxic and dysfunctional atmospheres within their own home, workplaces, schools, and family.
When an Enabler claims time heals all wounds, what they are hoping is to instill such toxic shame in a victim for standing up for themselves and denying an Abuser a right to re-victimize them that the victim will come crawling back… begging to be used, hurt, disrespected, lied to, lied about, and abused again. While telling the abuse victim that their desire to see them continue to be abused is because they “love them”, they promote their own social status to one that’s more comfortable at the expense of the person who away from the toxic social influence of the family unit or toxic peer group is likely to recover.
Because Enablers don’t WANT abuse victims to recover, they give them all the worst advice humanly possible. They blame shift. They shame the victim. They call the victim’s credibility into question. They strive to make the victim doubt their sanity, their memory, their instincts, and their intuition.
The sister who cries wolf constantly while attention-seeking. The aunt who cannot be trusted because she suffers from bipolar AND has a narcissistic temperament. The grandfather prone to narcopathy and rage. The grandmother who cannot stop lying about past abuse incidents, manufacturing chaos, smear campaigning, and triangulating while jockeying herself into the best position with the grandchildren to ensure that once they are old enough to make a choice they will betray their loving parents’ trust and come running to sit at the foot of her throne while being falsely promised they will someday receive a windfall inheritance.
These are the kind of people who demand abuse victims “get over it” and “make nice” with their Abuser(s). These are the people who give everything to the people who deserve the least and do nothing but devalue, undermine, and strive to destroy the mind, body, spiritual center of the people who are the most deserving and worthy of social support, kindness, and loving praise.
If you have been the victim of such people — meaning Abusers and their Flying Monkeys — take heart. The reason why your mind cannot seem to let go of the memory of being abused (especially if it’s happened over and over in various slightly different forms), chances are it’s because you are still actively surrounded by abusive people.
Make a pledge to go NO CONTACT for 18-24 months with any person or peer group who acts abusively or supports abusive people and see what happens. Sure — it’s terrifying the first few months to walk away from virtually everyone and everything you know and have historically thought of as your social and emotional support network, but trust the process.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. The sun is going to keep coming up every day and with every tic mark you put on a calendar to indicate you effectively and efficiently went and subsequently remained NO CONTACT and non-reactionary to toxic people the pain of feeling alone and helpless or vulnerable dissipates.
Stick your toe back in the water with regard to reaching out to make NEW friendships or romantic relationships after your body has time for the adrenal glands to re-regulate. After you have had time to let the body and emotions settle, sort the wheat from the chaff intellectually, and decide for yourself if you still think people who you felt were being abusive or whose personality was or is intolerable are actually people you want or need in your life.
Noting that all humans tend to become like the five people they spend the most time with and around, are the people or person you went NO CONTACT with the type of people you feel good spending time around or aspire to be like? If after 18-24 months away you decide they are, go back. If not?
Welcome to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.
You are who you decide to be… and guess what. After 24 months alone and away from any person or peer group that is guilty of toxic thinking, promoting Narcissistic Abuse, or who willingly chooses to enable abuse chances are you might just decide that being alone is better than being abused.
You might also already have laid the groundwork and foundation for a very loving, relaxed, and psychologically and physically safe life. Embrace the new.
Time might heal all flesh wounds, but understand this — when the Black Knight in the Monty Python sketch claims, “’tis but a flesh wound!” the type of person who he’s making fun of is those willing to routinely continue to knowingly subject themselves to Narcissistic Abuse. With education comes long-term, pervasive healing from real-life abuse.